Healing the Midlife Love Crisis
All I wanted was to fall in love and live happily ever after. The End.
Except it wasn't that simple. At forty-something, I was hardly "on the shelf", but I was the veteran of two divorces. That gave rise to plenty of self doubt. It gave rise to another more sinister, subtle symptom too: I didn't trust the opposite sex not to hurt me again. And guess what? Since the women I was meeting were in a similar age bracket, and also veterans of some painful emotional history, their fears echoed mine. Result? An almost cast iron guarantee that love cannot flourish! You might as well scatter seed on concrete and expect a wheat field to flourish.
The internet is peppered with such walking wounded. Dating sites abound and literally tens of thousands of people from all over the computerised world are looking for love. Naturally, there are success stories with happy endings. But the vast majority are frustrated individuals. Join these sites for a while, (I did for 3 months and ended up staying for 3 years), and you will see the same faces come round again and again. They are not ugly or evil or dangerous people. They are ordinary people like you and me, and yet somehow love is just eluding them.
To answer that you have to first ask yourself why anyone wants a relationship in the first place. The answer is not obvious, but it is simple. In just about every generation up to about the 1950's, people got into relationships because it was inevitable. Sooner or later, procreation was going to take place, and pregnancy meant the mothers needed economic support which was, of course, provided by the fathers. Roles were clear, nature played a big part. Whether relationships were "happy" or the couple were "in love" were secondary considerations. The relationship itself was primary, and at all costs was made to survive until death did them part. Add in social and religious pressures, and no wonder our grandparents and all of their forbears stayed together for life.
Nowadays we have a completely different agenda. It boils down to this: we will only stay in a relationship, or even enter into one, if it feels better than not doing so.
In other words, relationships have to make us happy or we're out.
That's a big agenda, but the biggest problem with it isn't its size; it's that it goes unacknowledged. Society, from government to the church to our neighbours, tends towards the old values and we still measure ourselves by them. We still consider ourselves to have failed if we break up a relationship, or worse, if we are the one who is jilted. This, in spite of the fact that we don't bat an eyelid if our friends change career, move house or emigrate no matter how many times they do it. But change partners? There's something wrong with you!
The fact remains, though, that broken relationships lead to broken hearts, and broken hearts hurt. Pain leads to fear, and fear leads to either a total giving up, or an attempt to half commit - with resulting unsatisfactory relationships all round.
So what's the antidote?
Two things, really. First, love yourself. If you can feel good about the person you're guaranteed to wake up with every day of your life, no one can hurt you, because that's your inner strength. It wouldn't matter how many times someone told Arnold Schwarzenegger he was a weakling, would it? He would always know that wasn't true.
Secondly, get clear, really clear, about what you want. And then be honest about that. Do you really want to be with someone with young children? Do you mind if the lovely person you've just met has an almost zero libido? Or an insatiable one?
Also be flexible with yourself about this. Your wants and needs are going to change. They won't be the same three months after the end of a relationship as they will be when three years have elapsed. So you have to learn to listen to your inner self, and not only hear it, but trust it and act on its advice!
What this amounts to actually reduces to an amazing and simple formula for finding and keeping true love. Want to know what it is?
Get to know, like and love the person you spend every day with. (For full details of who that is, check your nearest mirror!)
That's it! That way, you'll have bundles of love to give away, you'll be a joy to be around, (which makes you irresistibly attractive), and during those times when you find yourself alone, you'll be delighted to have your company for a while.
After all, who wouldn't?
Trevor Emdon is a senior Mental Health & NLP practitioner who graduated from Anthony Robbins' Mastery University in 1999 with full honors. He trained in metaphysics with Gill Edwards. His latest book, "How to Love Again After Your Heart's Been Broken" is now published and is available now from http://www.lulu.com/content/111153. He will be running workshops on the subject in spring 2005 He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This RSS feed URL is deprecated, please update. New URLs can be found in the footers at https://news.google.com/news
Badoo, the majority owner of the dating app Bumble, is seeking a sale that could value the company at $1.5 billion - CNBC
Surprise, Surprise: Scott Disick Isn't Thrilled That Kourtney Kardashian Is Dating a 24-Year-Old - W Magazine
Dating Service Tools for Individuals Seeking Singles Online for Fun, Friendship and Marriage
If you're wondering what it means by dating service and dating tools available, read further to understand how you can utilize the individual dating sites features and benefits for the online dating service offered on the Internet today. Dating sites were created by companies that wanted to offer matchmaking services for the single individuals, that were looking for better quality resources to meet compatible partners in a convenient and safe environment.
Do You Desire Love and Marriage? How Should You Prepare Yourself?
The rate of new love and marriages is rising as fast as the divorce rate. That forces the question - are people really falling in love? If they are then why is the divorce rate so high? Isn't love enough? Where is the commitment? Love and marriage are still important to people.
Avoiding the Grand Manipulator
Let's face it..
Creating Your Online Dating Profile
Are you considering the possibility of using an Online Dating Site to find the Date or Love of your dreams? Yes? Well, did you know that the most important part of finding your special someone through online dating is your profile. As explained in my book "the Ultimate Online Dating Handbook" even if you plan on being proactive in your search, you will still need a stellar profile.
Dating Tips: Share a Little More Personal on Yourself
Have you been dating for a long time but felt that something is still lacking somewhere? Not understanding your partner well enough? The chances are, both of you are likely to be still stuck at the very initial stage of a relationship. Well give it a thought.
Are You Considering Online Dating?
Jody's quest in finding a suitable partner for marriage seemed impossible. She found the singles scene at clubs to be uncomfortable and her social circle seemed to consist of more married friends with a shrinking number of singles.
Three Keys to Wonderful Dating Experience
Forget the flowers and the scent. To improve your chances of both finding a date and then having a really wonderful dating experience, probably here are three key dating tips that start at home.
Single Women Are Hot
Just when businesses and advertisers think they have women all figured out enters a new category with serious buying power: the single woman. It is projected that in 2005 single women will spend $400 million dollars which has the business world standing up and taking notice.
From Friend To Boyfriend
One of the most frequent questions I am asked is "How do I go from being a friend to being a boyfriend?". I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that this is easy to do, but it can be done.
Online Dating Makes Searching For a Partner Fun
Some have said that online dating is an impersonal relationship. These people just don't know what they are talking about.
Harsh words, hurting comments, tears and flying household objects - for sure, no one ever wanted that to be the everyday routine when deciding to live together with the beloved person. Yet, why is this such a common picture, portrayed even in many Hollywood dramas?Two people meet, they fall in love - that happens, in a multitude of different ways, thousands of times all over the world.
Got a Blind Date Right Around the Corner?
Got a case of the blind date? Oh yes we know how you feel. Your heart is racing, your blood is pumping and yet you are not sure about it.
Black Professional, Educated, And Self-Reliant Woman - Why Am I Still Single?
Today there are many single women over the age of thirty. The 2000 Census Bureau recorded that 2,219,489 women between the ages of 30 and 34 have never married.
Free Dating - The Real Cost of Free Dating
Nearly every dating site on the internet claims to offer free dating. Running a quick search on google for the phrase 'free dating' returns some one and half million results!Yet is the consumer being mislead? What are the true costs of free dating?The fact is there is rarely any such thing.
How to Be a Great First Date
Okay, you've scored a date with a sexy somebody for Saturday night, and you're terrified you're going to blow it. Don't worry; if you follow these tips, you'll do just fine.
Online Dating Tips - Five Steps to Creating Your Profile
Creating your online dating profile is an aspect often commonly overlooked by online daters. You sign up for a dating service, forget about it, no-one contacts you and you give up.
The Final Solution to Dating
I run a blog where I discuss the topic of the many games people play in the dating arena. I've posted hundreds of articles, many of which point out many of these troubles.
Good Places to Meet Excellent Men
So, you're convinced that you have zero opportunities to meet men.Are you stuck in an office all day with the same stiffs day in and day out? Have you tried singles' dances, only to leave feeling worse than when you went in? Did the last loser your aunt set you up with squash your Chihuahua when he screeched up the driveway?Well, don't fret.
Pick-Up Lines That Work
Most pick-up lines don't work because they are trite, cheesy, and closed-ended statements. Others don't work because of their overt sexual overtones.
Am I Weird If I Date Online?
True story: A few years back I was working with a client who had recently moved to Los Angeles. She was single, did not know many people in the big city, and felt a little lonely.